life's reality lens

"21 Grams" and "Some Girls"--
"there are so many mysteries happening all the time right under your nose"

we walk around this earth unbeknownst to what lies around the next corner or what will happen in the next second. we are arrogant to think that we are given this life to do as we please and make choices "with or without God." it is perplexing this so called life. the phenomenon and glory is of course in God in all His magnificence [sp]. but even more perplexing is the concept of individuality..the art of the individual in its rarest form.

just think--perhaps we come across 25K people a day. and that is just in passing---walking pass on the street, in the mall, at work, on public transportation, in church...everywhere. yet we truly don't understand what that person is going through. at the point of contact they assume a collective role in the environment and are removed from there own problems or lack thereof. we look people in the eye and they are one of 50 on a train--yet we will never know what they are thinking of us. or where they will walk and who they will kiss or avoid when they move in their life. during the holidays we wear many hats--daughter, aunt, niece, granddaughter, sister, godcousin, oldest, youngest--in a family. but even though you grow up with this family and with all of these people you will be only one to walk a mile in your shoes.

i'm fascinated with this concept. so much so i find myself daydreaming of what life is to the ones i come in contact with throughout the day. talking to my friend on the phone i was watching keyshia cole's sitcom. i find myself talking about celebrities as if i really "life" [i rewrote life because that was what i first typed--freudian slip] like the idea of celebreality. she jokes that i live my life through the celebrities. and i think my infatuation with the mystery of life could be misinterpreted as such however i am more concerned with how one can live an interpretation of their life all the time? that's what celebrity is--and often people get so caught up in that "celebreality" because it consumes them through paparazzi, tabloids, and most of all MONEY. what's even scarier is watching these celebrities get so caught up that they believe they have to "reinvent" their images to keep getting money. how perplexing--modern day double consciousness--when do you take a break if you are always on stage?


Its Only Love... Sade [thank you]

Its Only Love That Gets You Through - Sade

Girl you are rich even with nothing
And you know tenderness comes from pain
It's amazing how you love
And love is kind and love can give
And get no gain

It's down a rugged road you've come
Though you had every reason
You didn't come undone
Somehow you made it to the other side
You didn't suffer in vain

You forgive those who have trespassed against you
And you know tenderness comes from pain
It's amazing how you love
And love is kind and love can give
And love needs no gain

It's down a rugged road you've come
Though you had every reason
You didn't come undone
Somehow you made it to the other side
You didn't suffer in vain

You didn't suffer in vain
You know it's only love
That gets you through
Only love, it's only love
It's only love that gets you through


prodigal revolution #1

Chicago is enduring a heavy microscope following the Blagojevich scandal. people are talking about we are the most corrupt state in the nation. although we know there are few like us, you can't knock the hustle. as the next president ushers in well overdue change, i am refreshed and anxiously nervous. i was asked, if Mr.O played any role in the Blago scandal--or any scandal--would i still admire him? well--i would. here is a black man who encompasses the spirits of America's yesterday and tomorrow's promise. we can't fully mitigate that chicago is that kind of town...if you make it here you can make it anywhere. its a city built on relationships--so there is no doubt in my mind that he is not a "plugged thug." however, i am a believer that Mr. O is an honest man. knowing the state of America, i am positive he wouldn't mess up this soon. and i don't mean to suggest he will because i am HOPEful. i can say that his homecoming after 8 years will be one that is well prepared. there are a lot of toes to step on Mr. O--just know i'm not scared and its plenty more where i come from.




in preparation

so i went to dinner tonight with some beautiful young black Christian men. it feels so refreshing to sit among men. i don't know how many of us have had to deal with the inconsistencies of today's standard black male. by age they are men, by intelligence they are boys. but who i am to complain? we had a good time; swapped stories and chats about politricks, entertainment, and yes--church. i enjoyed myself. what began as a night for two ended up a party of five. we shut down the place with talks of what's next for young adults in america? i was the only woman. which is usually the case--the women i try to get to know are--prudes, stand-offish and clickish. i hate to say that because i really crave some girl friends you know? but actually, i like it--being the only female.

***my oldest brother would be 27 in july 2009. crazy, i was suppose to have a big brother--he passed at three y/o. i often catch myself thinking--but not tonight. becuz i have been blessed, adapted from secret life of bees, more brothers than any sister could ask for. ***

but every day, as i get closer to God, i learn the ways of myself and myself in this world as a Christian woman. sometimes i'm stuck on the same lessons--forgiveness, respect, love--the regular Christian problems. then sometimes i am brought to a point where i'm at a mountaintop--where the whole world is in front of me and i'm on point. interesting enough, i'm getting hardball lessons in DISCRETION. now i'm working towards my purpose. honestly, i don't know what my purpose is. i just know that God wills that we sacrifice our bodies as servants to complete the work Jesus started [if you don't believe that--holler at a scholar]. so i feel compelled to start a community organization. well tonight, i met 2 of the gentlemen for the first time, the other two are associates from auxiliaries i serve. now in passing, i have spoken with one of my associates about my transparency as a person--how to be open without being naked [discretion].

what i find to be an amazing art is discretion. how do you maintain your "realness" when people don't know how to handle your business? how do you keep quiet on your dream when its bursting inside of you? easy, many will say. most people are guarded, afraid to open up, reserved, introverted. just not trusting. me, i'm just "touchy feely"--an open books--what you don't see is what you get, often times gulliable and too trusting would be descriptors associated with these types.

tonight i opened up about a goal i wanted to reach with regard to my organization. they were inspired, struck, and enlightened. however, my associate, who just two days before encouraged me to be a little more guarded, cringed at the sound of my idea. in addition to that he said "you gotta be careful about your transparency." now i would have been so withdrawn, but in revealing this goal, one of the gentlemen revealed to me a piece of information i did not know. even though in the same breath he recommended i learn to be discrete because the ramifications otherwise, i felt blessed. i think about someone taking my ideas and using it for them but now i understand.

and i thank You.



do you know who you are?

whether we want to believe it or not--USA is the King S*#t!

working with international clients and listening to what they feel about us speaks volumes to the power play we have in the world. we created the UN. we took several countries and made them our TERRITORY. we have made English language what it is. our media system has perpetuated every known stereotype of gang culture, violence, wealth, fame--everything! we have created this. we don't think we have power? how simple! we came to USA as outcasts, political refugees, criminals, and religious reformers. from just those 13 colonies we kicked britain's @$$ and declared our freedom. with just 13 colonies! we have the most powerful military and we are the Alphas on the yard.

it makes me wonder, do you, the bloggers, the entertainers, the gov't, the citizens, the wealth, realize the power we have to CHANGE THE WORLD!? obama being elected and well-received by the international arena should encourage us to really move out of business as usual--not just in politricks, but in business, education, health care, nutrition, and welfare of our fellow American. as citizens, we refuse to take responsibility for our actions, leaving our gov't to chance when we are the gov't. honestly we should just switch to dictatorship because people don't care anyway. why should you be privileged in any way to have privacy and liberty when you are so careless right now?



at 6am you receive a phone call saying that you are being arrested and there are 2 officers outside your door waiting for you. please come open the door and let's do this as quietly as possible to not wake your kids or the media. *chuckling* i would ask is this a joke too! i can only imagine what you say to your wife when she looks at you and wonder why you look so nervous. and who do you call? who can you call when everyone is against you? you thought you had it in the bag? you thought it was SWEET? yeah you crossed the wrong one B. that's what i think about. if it were me and i received that call i would look at my wife and hang my head. because your conscience has to let you know that you are caught up! he knew he was caught up yesterday---we all have this feeling that something isn't right when stuff is about to hit the fan.

but it is a sad day in IL politics given the recent developments of Blago's crooked intentions. watching US Attorney Fitzgerald, i was hurt. although its a governor position is a statewide position than city focused, chicago is truly the powerhouse of IL next to springfield. i am disappointed but i am relieved. mostly because, as a woman of faith, i know that He is working. we see that Obama is getting the best of the brightest on his team. he is praying, I know for a new day in politics. how would it look for this to hit the fan in Spring 2009!? it is a blessing that it surfaced when it did because who knows how it could have affected citizens and who will be put into the senate. now we will be watching and paying attention.

i think what is most disappointing is that the corruption is way deeper than selling the senate seat like a "sports agent." from campaign funding issues, to Blago trying to increase his pay, to appropriating gov't dollars effectively speaks volumes to his character and his ability to be a person with power. it has officially motivated me to continue forth with obtaining a degree in public policy and administration.

just think: we will be 40 really soon and it will be our responsibility to lead this country. do you have any one that you can look at in your classes, on twitter, on the news, at your workplace that you see potentially leading this country?! no because we haven't developed our children--we have just made due! it is time for us to start thinking ahead people we are getting too OLD for the same old thing! encourage everyone, friends, family, co-workers, bosses, everyone to go back to school and be ALL you can be. we are so much greater than this America! WE ARE THE UNITED STATES--THE HNIC! WHAT THE HELL!? DO YOU NOT KNOW YOUR BLOODLINE!?



gettin up

just blessed. goodnight


ok i'm really going to start back posting but my head is pounding and my feet are cold...PLUS ALL OF THE BLOGGERS I AM FOLLOWING HAVE MY HEAD IN THE BOOKS--i should just respond to posts...easier said than done!



Quote of the Day

"Big jobs usually go to the men who prove their ability to outgrow small ones. God doesn't ask about our ability, but our availability."

so often we are presented with decisions and choices to move outside of our comfort zone, yet it seems better to remain stagnant to avoid the mess. i am at this place right now. feeling i have been called to mission with my community, yet because of the caliber of work that is expected, i feel like why me? i don't think i can do it. that's crazy though because we are assigned the projects that seem impossible because our steps are purposed and ordered.

what have you been unavailable for because of your inability to leave your comfort zone?



married to the modest wallet

but high fashion's faithful concubine!!
oh rescue me more to come just too tired...nite

press play---i'm a dog...yeah we know

sickening--- i was dancing to this song before i realized what the hell he was saying!

evolving creations

sometimes i sit and just read the concordance to the Bible. am I the only one fascinated with how we humans process information? i mean seriously---the queen of conspiracies is back at it and my mind has been screwing me lately...really good.

the latest: creation vs. evolution
i totally think this is the same thing. what science lacks the Bible makes up. i mean really. if you look at how God reveals [and i hate caps so i'm reverting to lc--G is my homebo{d}y He understands] the legacies of each nation since adam. well we know adam's geneaology [kick me idc] has been wiped from the earth since noah. but if you read through the obvious, we see that man was living at least 800 years at a time. after a while, i'm sure that adds up significantly to the 10,000 20,000 b.c's. that's just the history of life with man biblically. although its rather hard to compare bible to our scale of evolution, i mean to me it makes since---why doesn't it make sense to everyone? i will never know.

break break down?

animals---we all know God created heavens and the earth in six days. animals first. some theologians have it [looking for corrections if they may arise] that 1000 years is like one day in his eyes. so we have about a 7000 year process [not finite because our feeble minds could not fathom his greatness] in just making the earth what it is. then we have the beasts of the earth. interesting enough we have humans to conjure all of these stories--but hey if God gave revelation about JC then it is more than possible that scientists have been blessed with a gift [received w/o repentance b/c intellect is given without your acknowledgement of the divine power] to say that dinosaurs roamed the earth. quite possible because the significant earth shattering events revealed in the bible speak of unclean beasts that could not make it on the ark. well science attributes the extinction to big bangs and such--or divine start-overs? what science can't explain, the bible helps out.

humans---most significant to the entire beef between evolutionists and creationists is the belief that humans evolved from apes. now--hmm---as a child, before God, i was perplexed by this rationale. mostly because scientists STILL can't explain the gap between monkeys and humans. and if they can---i STILL don't believe it. it just seems like b.s. to me. maybe the first humans, the adams and the eves, the cave men, the aborigines [sp? and they are still alive--some of them in aussie] looked like monkeys. but to me i think God was practicing. friends laugh at me when i say that and i'm amused by that idea as well. but seriously...first cavemen, then aborginies, and then the human that we know of today is still evolving. we have to expect the life expectancy to increase as technology and medicine advances. our children will likely live twice as long as we will because we are living three times as long as those in the 1800s. not counting the oldest woman that died at 115--now the oldest woman alive was born on 9/10/1893. unbelievable.

it is so much conflict around this topic and i guess my bleeding heart would like the world to just be at peace and neighbors to be neighbors. but we all know that peace may as well signify Zion. everyone wants to be the originator of something. but the bible has always remained constant. life is interesting unemployed---

*skips down memory lane*


what's your krystal----

i look up at the swirling skies
wishing i could understand
the conditions of this compromise
why couldn't i just stay high?
why couldn't i just
inhale you with no thoughts of hell
and who's hiding or denying
why did i have to see that light?
although its comforting to feel
the beam so bright and
delighting in your great sight
sometimes i look back and like
salt i fall
caught slippppinnn
into the whirlwinds of this fantasy
colorful spills of krystal
lay on my floor
when the light catches
i shut the door because
no one can see me no one can see me
colorful spills of krystal