in preparation

so i went to dinner tonight with some beautiful young black Christian men. it feels so refreshing to sit among men. i don't know how many of us have had to deal with the inconsistencies of today's standard black male. by age they are men, by intelligence they are boys. but who i am to complain? we had a good time; swapped stories and chats about politricks, entertainment, and yes--church. i enjoyed myself. what began as a night for two ended up a party of five. we shut down the place with talks of what's next for young adults in america? i was the only woman. which is usually the case--the women i try to get to know are--prudes, stand-offish and clickish. i hate to say that because i really crave some girl friends you know? but actually, i like it--being the only female.

***my oldest brother would be 27 in july 2009. crazy, i was suppose to have a big brother--he passed at three y/o. i often catch myself thinking--but not tonight. becuz i have been blessed, adapted from secret life of bees, more brothers than any sister could ask for. ***

but every day, as i get closer to God, i learn the ways of myself and myself in this world as a Christian woman. sometimes i'm stuck on the same lessons--forgiveness, respect, love--the regular Christian problems. then sometimes i am brought to a point where i'm at a mountaintop--where the whole world is in front of me and i'm on point. interesting enough, i'm getting hardball lessons in DISCRETION. now i'm working towards my purpose. honestly, i don't know what my purpose is. i just know that God wills that we sacrifice our bodies as servants to complete the work Jesus started [if you don't believe that--holler at a scholar]. so i feel compelled to start a community organization. well tonight, i met 2 of the gentlemen for the first time, the other two are associates from auxiliaries i serve. now in passing, i have spoken with one of my associates about my transparency as a person--how to be open without being naked [discretion].

what i find to be an amazing art is discretion. how do you maintain your "realness" when people don't know how to handle your business? how do you keep quiet on your dream when its bursting inside of you? easy, many will say. most people are guarded, afraid to open up, reserved, introverted. just not trusting. me, i'm just "touchy feely"--an open books--what you don't see is what you get, often times gulliable and too trusting would be descriptors associated with these types.

tonight i opened up about a goal i wanted to reach with regard to my organization. they were inspired, struck, and enlightened. however, my associate, who just two days before encouraged me to be a little more guarded, cringed at the sound of my idea. in addition to that he said "you gotta be careful about your transparency." now i would have been so withdrawn, but in revealing this goal, one of the gentlemen revealed to me a piece of information i did not know. even though in the same breath he recommended i learn to be discrete because the ramifications otherwise, i felt blessed. i think about someone taking my ideas and using it for them but now i understand.

and i thank You.